Thursday, February 3, 2011

Take Off Your Freakin' Jammies And Put On Some Freakin' Clothes.

It's perfectly acceptable to wear your jammies in public. If you are two years old.

You, however, are sitting in front of computer and reading a blog, which means you are not two years old. You may be reading this in the comfort of your home. Are you wearing jammies? I certainly don't mind if you are. Inside your house. Or in your bed. Or at a slumber party. Or in a convalescent hospital.

It's when you're wearing them at Target, or at Starbucks, or at a gala presidential dinner that a line has been crossed.

I have standards, and I will impart them to you now, and you will fall into line, thus sparing yourself the shame and humiliation of being seen in public in your jammies, which will be compounded when I snap your photograph and put it on this blog. I'm sorry to have to resort to threats, my friends, but when I see four people out in public in their jammies in the space of six days, then that is what it has come to.

Granada Hills, it is time to wake up, put on your big boy pants, and face the world.

Dear Lady In Target Who Was Wearing Polar Bear Jammies:

Yes, Target is casual. No, Target is not THAT casual. Look, I'm not an inflexible tyrant. If it's three a.m. and your baby is running a temperature, by all means, go to Walgreens in your jammies. If it's eleven p.m. and you realize that your toddler will scream bloody murder when he wakes up and learns that there is no milk for his Cocoa Puffs tomorrow morning, by all means, go to the Alta Dena Drive Thru on San Fernando Mission and Woodley in your jammies. These things are emergencies. Going to Target to shop for cosmetics at ten a.m. on a Saturday is not an emergency. All of the cosmetics in the world will not improve your situation so much as getting out of your jammies will.


Dear Lady Walking To Petit Park Library In Pink Jammies:

I was not fooled by the fact that you were wearing a zip-up hoodie over your jammies. You were still plainly in your jammies. Stepping out on your front porch to get the newspaper in your jammies is one thing, but going to the library to read the newspaper in your jammies is another. No one ever needs to go to the library in an emergency. If you have time for the library, you have time to take off your jammies. At least move up to sweatpants.


Dear Guy At Rite Aid In Plaid Jammies at 2:00 in the afternoon:

It's 2:00 in the afternoon, and no, you have not fooled me into thinking that those are plaid pants. They are clearly jammies. Do you think you're affecting some devil-may-care, rakish act of fashion transgression? They're jammies.



I am all for transgressive fashion statements. In fact, I think Granada Hills needs more of them. But at least make it look like you care. Like you meant to do it, on purpose. Like this guy:


















Not like this guy:






























Stretch your earlobes to the size of ABS sewer pipe. Shave patterns into your head. Dye your dreadlocks purple. Wear a dress made out of meat. Wear acid washed jeans. Just wear something that conveys your awareness of the fact that there is a delineation between the inside and the outside of your home.


Still confused? Consult this handy flow chart (click for larger image).

5 comments:

  1. Thank you!! My 16 yr. old believes that it's o.k. to go out in your jammies in public. I will let her read this blog. Can your next rant be about guys wearing their pants so low that we see their underwear AND they wear a belt? That's NEVER a good look.
    K, thanks, bye :)

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  2. Agree wholeheartedly on the subject but if I were stuck in an elevator with one person, I'd rather it be the asian dude in plaid pjs than... um... tigger. Yikes.

    Yes, jammies in public are the new sweats in public. It used to be that sweats were only acceptable while running or in the gym. Now it's cool, I guess. So we are in the next iteration of the casual degradation of American suburban style: jammies in public.

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  3. While we are on the subject of outdoor clothing, I note that it is sunny and about 68 degrees outside today. Which means I am declaring that Winter is over in SoCal and everyone must wear shorts until at least next December 10th.

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  4. You're doing the Lord's work with this post and with putting GH on the food truck map. Thank you.

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